10. Awkward Silences
You just had a long day at the office, but your schedule is far from closure. You have a date with a lovely girl in half an hour, at a nice restaurant that serves horse manure. However, you’re at a state of utter speechlessness. You’re on your way to the restaurant, trying to conjure up an ideal conversation to have with this woman upon meeting her. You arrive at the bar; you see a face that resembles the woman you were talking to on Tinder, of course her body does not remotely resemble what you saw in the photos (more on that later), you confront her and she recognizes you, giving you a proper greeting.
After about 3 dreaded hours of awkward silence, you guys finally get a table near the toilets. You sit there for what feels like an eternity of nothingness, eating chicken that tastes like it’s been left out for just as long, with a side of potatoes as hard as cucumbers. Needless to say, you will not get a chance to find out how she truly is on the inside..
9. Actually Meeting That Girl On Tinder
Remember that pun about the girl not resembling the hot a$$ you were firing off to on Tinder? That happens to the best of us; you go on Tinder, swipe right, get a match with a girl that looks indistinguishable to Jennifer Aniston, and equally charming, only to receive a colossal smack to your gonads upon showing up to the date. This is perhaps the most disappointingly awkward situation, because you want to appear cunning to this girl, but you can’t shake the begrudging urge to blast a massive fart cloud right next to her.
Perhaps the most dreaded part of this encounter is when you get the food; you’re sitting there, starring at that nice juicy steak, but you cannot concoct the appetite to eat it while this granny, sitting right across from you, is sharding into a colostomy bag. Personally, I’ve never been a fan of Tinder.. But I met my wonderful wife there 🙂 So it’s not all bad!
8. Eating Something Gassy For Lunch While Working In A Large Open Space
It’s time for lunch, you make your way to Chipotle, looking as excited as Fat Albert looks when he spots a pig, and you get that gigantic burrito you’d find only in America. Upon finishing it, you regret the decision to take those last few bites; you feel like you could score first place in an anal-singing contest. You summon the courage to head back to the office with that crack concert inside your trousers, preying to god you will not honk a massive booty bomb in the open space where you work. You sift through all that customer data like the good Stinker that you are, you even Anal Salute your boss like any A$$ Flapper would, and you seem to be the master of your domain for a few hours.
However, as you are sitting at your desk, making that cra##y call to one of the sales managers, you unleash a massive anal sneeze right in front of everybody. You look to your left, only to see that “office Pam” of your’s almost booty coughing to death, everyone in the room is cracking up, even that sales manager on the phone is giving you an anus applause.. To your relief, your boss does not appear to be angry at all, as a matter of fact, she’s giving you some good anal reinforcement. It’s only been about 30 seconds, when all of a sudden the laughter stopped; it seems the burrito is showing it’s true might, and it becomes painfully clear that the office will smell of anal methane for the next few weeks.
On the bright side, you wont have to be there to smell it.
7. Owning Up To A Mistake
You work at a pioneering Content Marketing startup; basically just a bunch of boneheads who write generic content to equally ridiculous businesses, for nickles and dimes. You are assigned to work on a ‘robot writer’ with a few equally narcissistic colleagues; bent on automating all that writing you get paid almost nothing for. The 4 of you attend your first brainstorming session; you know these annoying meetups where you hear the words “agile”, “disruptive”, “innovative”, and “minimum viable product” a billion times, only to end up with nothing short of horse manure. Yeah, so as you guys are “brainstorming”, you amass this “brilliant” idea that involves using the ‘urbandictionary.com’ API to fetch ‘urban-era’ terms that the robot can use; your colleagues all insist that it’s a shi__y idea for blah and blah reason, and that it can go terribly wrong.
But you, being the narcissist that you are, insist on it, and your colleagues succumb to the slight chance of seeing that epic fail on your face when it goes downhill. Anyway, you finish building the robot writer, and you are so confidant of your brilliant idea that you test a “minimum viable product” on a clients’ Ad Copy. To make a long story short, the result wasn’t as merry as you’d expected. As a matter of fact, that’s quite an understatement..
Needless to say, your colleagues are feeding on that shameful expression. Oh and also your pioneering startup will no longer be disrupting anymore clients.
In the country we live in, there are lots of obese people everywhere, male and female, so it’s not unusual to have the following encounter. You just used up all your vacation days on a 2 month trip to Hawaii (yes I know it’s a deadzone). Back at work, you are excited to see all your colleagues, and they share equal excitement with you. You notice Debbie from reception; the two of you properly greet one another. To your surprise, she has a pregnant belly! You know how most women don’t like revealing that they’re pregnant? Because they think it’s voodoo for some inarticulate reason? You decide not to say anything to her about it, in honor of that possibility. As the day takes it’s course, you run into Debbie several times at the office; you cannot help but sense a strangely bitter vibe from her. You contrive the possibility that she’s giving you the silent treatment for not applauding her newfound pregnancy, so you grow some man-balls and mobilize your blessing.
Oh hey Debbie, listen I just want to congratulate you on the pregnancy, and I give you my best wishes. I am positive that you will make a fabulous mother.
Pregnancy? What the !@#$ are you talking about?
That baby in your, OH!! oh !@#$.. I’m really sorry.. I thought you were [Cut Off]
It’s OK.. don’t worry about it.. I’ll just go back to my desk and reflect on some work related things..
Turns out she was on this new “Taco Bell/Subway” diet; to your debacle it didn’t pan out well for her.. Debbie quit the next day, and you didn’t hear from her since. 5 years later, some colleague tells you that Debbie’s almost ‘9 months in’. She sent every woman in the office an invite to her baby shower . You weren’t invited..
5. My Mother Caught Me..
You’re a smart and ambitious teenager thriving in your Freshman year of High School. It’s a normal day at school, bells ringing, hormones singing. You arrive at Gym Class, your favorite time of the day; you get to see Rebecca doing squats in her gym shorts 🤤 After Gym Class, you undergo the remaining 3 hours at school in a horny state of vegetation; you cannot get Rebecca’s gym shorts out of your head, and your head can’t get her gym shorts out of your private parts (no, you can’t fire one off at the boy’s room, that’s just sick). Finally, the last bell rings, and you rush home to do your usual “extracurricular” activity. Anyways, you get home and march straight to your room, where you have a massive 82 inch display monitor to ogle on Rebecca’s Instagram. You know that moment where it’s about to burst? And that thundering euphoria you experience at that moment? Coincidentally, your mom walks in on you at this stage, and that euphoria dispensed right on her expressionless face..
4. The Accidental Cheek Touch
You’re a male software engineer at MyJohnson Inc. It’s a usual day at the office; you compiled that useless-a$$ TPS report, you built a revolutionary search engine in under 3 hours (at minimum wage), and you finally convinced Samantha from Support Engineering (she basically gets yelled at by disgruntled customers) to go out with you on Friday night. You decide to take a well-deserved 2 minute lunch break, so you head on out to the cafeteria and get yourself whatever you can eat in 2 minutes. Once there, you encounter Mike from Accounting, who’s about to get automated by some piece of $H!T accounting software.
Given this is his last week at MyJohnson Inc, you suppose a hug would be a more proper greeting than a good-old-fashion handshake; so you march right up to one another and give each other an affectionate bro-hug. Right when the hug reaches it’s most intimate moment, you are aghast to feel Mike’s cheek rubbing against your’s; his saliva is drooling down your cheek, and for some uncharted reason, you’re drooling on his. The 2 of you break off the hug immediately; both of you are suspiciously scouting for anybody who witnessed this unfortunate confrontation. The two of you come to a conclusion that this mishap had not been witnessed by any other colleague at the office, and telepathically agree to keep this incident undisclosed.
For his remaining week at the office, you couldn’t shake the feeling of Mike glancing at you with a captivating expression on his face..
3. The Pants Tent
You’re a Freshman at Diploma Mill State University, getting that invaluable ‘BS in Gender Studies’ (yes men actually study that). It’s only been about 2 months when you spotted Sarah jogging in her workout underwear; she’s working towards an equally worthwhile degree in Athletic Studies, and you knew at that moment that she will be the one you will stroke off to later that day. As you rush back to your dorm to “study” for tomorrow’s “pop quiz”, you run into Sarah, who’s wearing her usual jogging-bikini. You are on the verge of a custard slinger, and she decides to pick that perfect moment to confront you. As she gets closer, you catch a better glimpse of her fiery biscuits. You’re alarmed by a throbbing whistle down there, and you do everything in your power to keep her attention away from that tent pole. She talks to you for what seems like an hour, and to your horror, you notice her eyes staring down at your trouser snake, giving her a full salute.
Sensing the perplexed expression on her face, you blindly concoct some random remark to shift her attention to something else:
So you wanna get down on Friday night?
Realizing what you just said, and coming to terms with the fact that there is no going back to the comparably appealing self-image you had prior to making that statement, you sprint out of there faster than you’ve ever sprinted before. Later that night, you get a notification on Facebook; it’s from Sarah:
Needless to say, you and your ding dong will not be attending Diploma Mill State University anymore….
2. Forgetting Someone’s Name
You’re at work handling your daily business, being a good trooper, getting yelled at by your deranged boss. You make your way to the office cafeteria, get yourself a cup of stale coffee, and you run into “Ummmm” on your way there.
Oh hey Steve watz up, I haven’t seen you around in a while.
HEYYYYYY! Watz up! Yeah my boss doesn’t let me go on coffee breaks anymore. He’s a real ball twister….
That was a ‘name forgetting’ scenario gone tragically wrong. There are a few ways we deal with these situations:
You Blur Some Random Name In Place Of The Actual Name
Hey Steve can you fix this 404 error on my WordPress site, it’s really bringing my piss to a boil..
Hi ro…., yes of course! I will take care of that ASAP.
You Use Some Random Noun In Place Of His Name
Hey Steve, the WEENUS isn’t looking good.. Do you have any idea what we’re doing wrong?
Hey DOOOOOD, yeah I think it has something to do with that new disruptive innovation feature on our app..
Don’t Mention The Name At All
Hey Steve. What’s the deal with your mom? She’s not calling me back..
Hi how’s it going? Don’t worry about it. She’ll call you back when she’s in the mood.
1. Making Small Talk
It’s lunch break, you’re at the cafeteria eating your “delicious” tuna/anchovy sandwich, and before you can mentally prepare for it, Albert sits his fat a$$ right next to you. To your sheer dread, he asks:
What’s in the sandwich?
You prepare yourself for what’s about to be the most catatonically dull small talk concurrence in the office at the moment. Your response:
Just some anchovy, tuna and expired mayonnaise..
The ferocious Albert isn’t willing to spare you any mercy.
Hey did you know that fisherman prefer to fish for anchovies at night when there’s a full moon.
At this point you’re speechless, you are clueless as to how you’re going to conceive even the slightest bit of interest in what this man just concocted out of your piece of sh!# sandwich.
No shit really?! So anchovies taste better on a full moon?
You hope that Albert will be dumbfounded by this ridiculous question, but this dude is just too much of a hermit to let you go.
Not quite.. anchovies have silver skin that shine up in the moon light, making it easier for fisherman to catch them.
That information has absolutely no use for you or your sandwich.
Oh, OK, that’s an interesting fact. I’ll remember that the next time I decide to go fishing for fresh anchovies to put in my crappy sandwich.
The gawky Albert senses your sarcasm. Desperate to avoid 10 minutes of destitute, he fabricates another interesting fact about your sandwich:
Did you know that if you run out of hair conditioner, you can use that mayonnaise as a substitute.
Desperate to get out of this, you contrive a response that might repel Albert:
Wow really? I didn’t know that.. So does that mean I can put hair conditioner in my sandwich?
Well, you could, but only in modest amounts. If you put too much conditioner in your sandwich, you are at great risk of food poisoning. Personally, I am not a big fan of conditioner, it just tastes stale to me. Have you tried putting lube in your sandwich?
You wake up in a hospital bed, tubes shoved up your nose, and you are pissing into a bag. You had an emotional breakdown at the office, you dissociated yourself into a personality that has the balls to commit suicide. Under the possession of that personality, you told your boss you’re feeling ill, went home, and drank 10 gallons of Lysol. You are now incapable of remembering anything or performing basic functions, and from now on you will be shi##ing out of your mouth, and talking out of your a$$. You allegedly had a brutally stodgy encounter with a colleague during your lunch break, and this literally led to the lifeless state you found yourself in..